Summerslam: The Worst Possible Outcomes

Ahhyessir, the Biggest Party of the Summer™ is right around the corner. It is almost Summerslam. There will be a whole lot of matches. There will be a whole lot of wrestling. It sounds like a lot of fun.

Given WWE’s recent track record with PPVs, one cannot help but be just a tad anxious about how the whole affair goes. I mean, we all saw Backlash. We know how that went down. But with such a stacked card, what could possibly go wrong?

kevin owens v. braun strowman ends in a no contest

I don’t really know what kind of match to expect from Braun Strowman and Kevin Owens. Maybe it will be better than Omega – Okada IV. Maybe it will be worse than Reigns – Lesnar II: Electric Boogaloo. Who can say for certain?

But imagine it’s a pretty good match. It’s so good that those ten year old kids who make fake Youtube accounts of wrestlers all comment on it. “greatets match evar!” [sic] Then Strowman lifts Owens up for his signature running powerslam. As Strowman slams Owens, both men go through the ring, disappearing from sight entirely. And then a fire appears, for reasons unknown.

Next night on Raw, Kurt Angle makes an announcement. “Last night at Summerslam, the dub-dub-ee Universe did not get to witness a conclusion to Kevin Owens and Braun Strowman’s match. Both men are not here tonight, so we will have a battle royal to crown a new Mr. Money in the Bank. And that match starts right now!”

The match is won by Jinder Mahal, who promptly kicks Roman Reigns in the dick and cashes in on him to become the new Universal Champion.

rusev & Lana v. Andrade “cien” almas & Zelina vega ends in a no contest

At the Summerslam pre-show, Rusev and Lana will take on Andrade Almas and Zelina Vega. It sounds like it could be an alright match. Lana’s improved as a wrestler, so she won’t be terrible.

Anyway, the match is ongoing, and suddenly, Jack Swagger’s music hits. Swagger appears, marches to the ring, and attacks both Almas and Rusev before tossing both of them out.  He is heard yelling “get these [expletive] foreigners out of my [expletive] ring!” He then leads all 3,517 people in attendance (it is a preshow match) in a “We the People” chant.

Next night on Smackdown, Swagger beats Rusev, Almas, Daniel Bryan, and Sin Cara in a Fatal Five Way match to determine AJ Styles’ next challenger for the WWE Championship. During the build to the match at Hell in a Cell, Swagger calls Styles a “cuck”, despite the fact that Styles is from Georgia and not California. Styles later retains against Swagger, who promptly disappears from WWE altogether, leaving everyone wondering what the last month was for.

Alexa Bliss beats ronda rousey cleanly

Ronda Rousey, the unstoppable killing machine who totally demolished Triple H at Wrestlemania, is set to face perennial cheater Alexa Bliss for the Raw Women’s Championship. Everyone knows that Bliss can’t step toe to toe with Rousey. There’s no way Bliss wins fair and square. But what if she does?

Thanks to her patented punch-and-DDT combo, Alexa is able to withstand the offensive onslaught of Ronda Rousey. Ronda is pinned clean in the middle of the ring. At Summerslam.

The next night on Raw, Bliss cuts a promo saying “when I beat Ronda all by myself at Summerslam, I realized that we, as women, are just as capable as men! I’ve been a good person this whole time. Women can do anything!” Rousey then comes out and says “Alexa, you beat me fair and square at Summerslam, and you’ve earned my respect.” They then shake hands.

Commissioner Stephanie McMahon makes her way down to the ring, mic in hand. “You know, I’m proud of us women. Women are stronger than they’ve ever been. It’s okay to be female.” She then announces that the Women’s Championship will be retired and that women can now compete for the WWE Championship. Alexa Bliss wins that title and holds it until she retires.

dean ambrose joins forces with dolph ziggler

At Summerslam, Dean Ambrose will be in Seth Rollins’ corner as the latter faces Dolph Ziggler for the umpteenth time, But what if Ambrose turned his back on his former-best-friend-and-bitter-enemy-and-now-current-best-friend Seth Rollins? And then aligned himself with none other than Mr. Showoff, Dolph Ziggler?

Ambrose hits Rollins with Dirty Deeds while the ref is taking a nap or something, and Ziggles pins him. Ambrose then raises good ol’ Dolph’s hand in victory.

Next night on Raw, Dean explains himself. “I saw a lot of myself in Dolph Ziggler, so I wanted to help him out.” Dolph shows up and agrees, saying, “You know Dean, you and I are quite similar.” Neither man explains what they mean,

Next to show up is Rollins, who angrily demands to know why Dean betrayed him. “I thought we were friends?” asks the Architect.

“No,” says Dean. Rollins just shrugs and goes to the back, and Dean, Drew, and Dolph continue as a trio and raise all sorts of hell until they lose to Roman Reigns in a three-on-one handicap match.