While Smackdown has been borderline farcical these last few days, I still plan on watching Fastlane. I don’t know why. Maybe I have self-esteem issues,

The main event at least sounds like it could be awesome. Roode v. Orton at least sounds interesting. Nakamura v. Rusev could be great. The Usos and the New Day can do no wrong together. The card, at least, is decent.

Still, decent leaves a lot of room for things to go wrong. But on a card with Shinsuke Nakamura, Rusev, Randy Orton, AJ Styles, and others, what’s the worst that could happen?

Randy orton v. bobby roode ends in a no contest

Bobby Roode and Randy Orton are talented wrestlers. At worst, the match they have at Fastlane for the US title will be decent. Those two are veterans who know what they’re doing.

So imagine that they’re putting on a real barn-burner of a match. It’s a technical masterpiece worthy of the Tokyo Dome itself. Wrestling analysts cry themselves to sleep because the match was just so good.

After nearly forty-five minutes of exciting near-falls and finisher counters and whatnot, that gong, the one that signifies the arrival of the one and only Modern Day Maharajah, sounds,

Both Orton and Roode are distracted and face the titantron in disdain and disbelief. Mahal comes from behind, and hits both of them with a Double Khallas. The bell rings, and the match is ruled a no-contest.

The next Smackdown, Mahal cuts a promo and calls the two men “Randy Moron” and “Boobie Roode” respectively. He laughs his weird laugh and then declares himself the new United States Champion. Smackdown ends.

Rusev v. Shinsuke nakamura ends in a no contest

Shinsuke Nakamura needs momentum now more than ever. He is heading into a world title match at Wrestlemania, and he needs to show everyone what he’s capable of within those four three ropes. People need to know why Nakamura is a big deal. Fastlane is a good time to do that.

Both Rusev and Nakamura are talented guys. The match sounds exciting and enticing. As far as I know, they’ve never faced off one on one in a televised singles match.

Let’s say the match is somehow even better than the Orton – Roode match from my previous example. Not even the Tokyo Dome is worthy to house such a match. Wrestling analysts blind themselves because they will never witness anything as beautiful as that match ever again.

After nearly fifty-five minutes of exciting near-falls and finisher counters and whatnot, that gong, the one that signifies the arrival of the one and only Modern Day Maharajah, sounds,

Both Rusev and Nakamura are distracted and face the titantron in disdain and disbelief. Mahal comes from behind, and hits both of them with a Double Khallas. The bell rings, and the match is ruled a no-contest.

The next Smackdown, Mahal cuts a promo and calls the two men “Shinstupid Nakamura” and “Losev” respectively. He laughs his weird laugh and then declares himself the new Royal Rumble winner. Smackdown ends.

kevin owens wins the wwe championship, shenanigans ensue

At Fastlane, AJ Styles must defend his WWE Championship against five other superstars who are gunning after him and his title. It won’t be easy, but if AJ Styles wants to face Shinsuke Nakamura at Wrestlemania for the WWE Championship, he needs to leave Fastlane with the WWE Championship.

But what if during the Six Pack match. Kevin Owens performs a pop-up powerbomb on Dolph Ziggler? Then he performs a pop-up powerbomb on Sami Zayn onto Dolph Ziggler and pins both men to become WWE Champion? How crazy would that be?

On Smackdown, Owens opens the show, proclaiming himself to be the greatest WWE Champion in history. Shane dances out like a clown and orders Owens to defend his title in a 17-man elimination match against a whole bunch of people on the roster. Owens tries to weasel his way out, but Shane says if he refuses,he’s fired.

The match begins, and one by one, superstars are eliminated. Owens, because he’s a chump, gets eliminated early by Tye Dillinger. He goes to the back, fuming. Finally, it’s down to AJ Styles and Baron Corbin, and Styles eliminates Corbin with a Phenomenal Forearm. Owens rushes back into the ring, does a pop-up powerbomb and leaves Styles lying in the ring.

Amidst all the carnage, one superstar was never actually eliminated. He rushes in to pick up the scraps He pins Styles and becomes the new WWE Champion.

That man is Jinder Mahal.